Amy wrote, “Hi. I’m going out with an older guy. I really love him, but everybody says he is just using me. How do I know if this is true?”
Start with asking your friends why they said what they said to check if they’re just jealous or uncomfortable being around an “older guy” or see / know something you don’t. (Tip: Don’t get angry at them and what they say, even if you don’t like it. Listen and then see if you can confirm what they told you. If you can, thank them for trying to protect you. If they lied, ask them why and if they can’t give you a good reason, ask yourself if “friends” like this is worth your friendship.)
Next comes the difficult part – figuring out why this guy is interested in you. after all, why isn’t he dating someone his own age. Now it may be that he truly likes you as a person, but it can also be that he sees you as easy prey. I know this may be hurtful, but you need to realise that guys can seem very loving and considerate while they are setting you up for sex. So, let’s start here. Has he said or done any of the following?
Softening you up or inviting behaviour
- “You have such a beautiful skin.” (And then he wants to see you in your underwear or caress you all over.)
- “It is so hot. Let’s take off our clothes and lie next to each other in our underwear.”
- “Accidentally” touching your private parts or placing his hand on your leg and then slowly moving it upward.
- “You drive me crazy. Want to feel what you do to me!” (Then he wants you to put your hand in his pants.)
- “I love you so much. There is no other girl for me.”
- “We belong together.”
- “I will do anything to prove to you how much I love you.”
Emotional blackmail
- “If you love me, you will . . .” (And then he tells you what sexual thing(s) he wants you to do.)
- “If I cannot get it from you, I will get it somewhere else.”
- “Do you want to be the only virgin in the school?”
- “It’s no big deal. We love each other.”
- “I will love you forever if you have sex with me.”
Manipulation
- “We’ve been dating for 2 months. That makes it okay to . . .” (And here he explains all the sexual stuff he wants the two of you to do.)
- “Nobody will know.”
- “Pam and Sally have done it. So is everybody else. I can get it anywhere if you don’t want to give it to me.”
- “I’m so horny now! I need you baby.”
- “I know you want some. Come on baby. Just admit it. I know you want it.”
Okay, so we know guys will try their luck or say stupid things when they try to impress girls. Big deal. Forget it and move on. However, guys who use tricks do so because they think you are stupid enough to fall for it. All they want is to satisfy their own desires and they will gladly use you to do so if you give them the chance. So don’t. After all, will you misuse a guy if you love him?